"I Wish I Was at Dad's" and Other Cliques I Hear

The first time I heard Ella yell, "I don't like it here, I wish I was at Dad's house", I laughed! It wasn't a calm statement to me, no it came from a child who was screaming at the top of her lungs and kicking the wall. I was ready and prepared for it. I actually wasn't expecting it so soon after the divorce, but she is a smart cookie. I walked out of the room quietly and didn't take the bate. I went straight to my phone and sent a text to a single mom friend telling her what happened. I knew I would hear it sooner or later and I did say "no" about something, so I guess I had it coming. :) But I would be lying if I didn't say that it did tug at my heart strings just a little. Even though I didn't take it personal, there is always a part of a mother's heart that feels the sting of their child's unkind words.

So, what did I do? I left her alone for about 20-30 minutes, I prayed, I shared the story with a few more friends, and then a took a deep breath and opened the bedroom door. I focused on her, remembering that I did not want to be manipulative, and wanted to learn about and simply speak into her heart. I started by stating the facts, "I see you have calmed down. You were very upset." We talked about her specific feelings and what triggered them and her reactions. I validated her and we talked about alternative responses in the future. I told her I loved her and reminded her that my most important job as a mom is to do my best to keep my kids healthy and safe. We hugged, kissed, and moved on. I wiped the sweat off my forehead and thanked God for getting us through a fast and furious obstacle in one piece!

Other things I hear:

"Dad lets me _____________" (Heard this one first from my 2 year old, so it was "Dad wets me stand on chairs") I was NOT prepared to hear this from him, but he doesn't miss a beat!

"Dad said we could _________________"

"We told Dad that you said we could ___________________"

"It's so much better at Dad's house"

My response: "When you're with Dad, he is in charge. When you are with me, I'm in charge." (Add further explanation or direction here.)

This response works for a number of reasons. First, it is short, sweet, and doesn't give the slightest impression that I am even sniffing the bate they are holding over my head. If I don't bite, there is no argument, no manipulation, they see that I am confident in what I am choosing to do, and that I respect their father. I also use this answer because it does not undermine either parent nor put the child in the middle. The child feels secure knowing that they don't have to take on the stress and burden of questioning mom's and dad's every decision nor do they have the power to change your mind by using unhealthy tactics. They see that although the parents are divided in some aspects, the children can not use that to their advantage just to get what they want. Knowing that helps the children to feel safe, loved, and taken care of.

All children are wired to push the limits and see what they can get away with. It's part of normal, healthy child development. Children tend to pit one adult against the other or try to manipulate adults to get what they want. This happens in all families at some point or another. When living in a divorced family, it is sometimes easier and more common for children to do this. It can be extremely tempting to bite and snap on "fighting words" like the ones above. I could easily go to the emotional and broken places inside myself and pull out ugly, destructive words. I could lash out, criticize, and blame. I may want to. But at the end of the day, what would I accomplish?