How to Forgive?

Here is Part 3 of the Forgiveness Series. So far, we have talked about what forgiveness is and why it is important.  Which leads us to the burning question, how do we forgive? I wish I could say that I have found a fool proof formula that guarantees a quick and smooth forgiveness process, but I have not. My forgiveness has been messy and trying, but I have made progress. I have forgiven people and things that I never would have thought possible. I have been able to gain understanding, empathy, and compassion for individuals and situations that baffle, confuse, hurt, and infuriate me. I have been released of some of the bondage that has held me back for a long time. It feels great to get rid of some of the burdens and get on with the business of living!

As I said in a previous post, forgiveness is a process. That was a hard one for me to understand and accept. I wanted to say, "I forgive you" and be done with it. The problem was that I had done that before and not really meant it. I said the words hoping to release myself and move on, but it didn't work. Why not? Because I didn't go through the process of acknowledging my feelings, acceptance, and truly become willing to forgive and release the pain. Instead I offered "cheap forgiveness" and crossed the resentment off my list, all the while wondering why I couldn't truly let it go even though part of me wanted to. I wanted to go from A to Z skipping all the letters in between. I have learned it doesn't work like that. I have to feel before I can heal. So back to the drawing board!

The first step for me is becoming truly aware of many things: what actually happened, my feelings and why I have them, where the other person was/is coming from, and my part in the situation. Once I have the awareness, I need to come to a level of acceptance. Acceptance of the past and that it is out of my control, acceptance of myself and the other person for who we are and how we have behaved, acceptance of my feelings and giving myself permission and room to really feel and explore them without denial, minimizing, or stuffing them. Then comes the willingness to forgive. It is impossible for me to move on with the action of forgiveness if I am unwilling. Sometimes I have to pray for the willingness to be willing to forgive. Sometimes the pain is so intense that I just can't imagine forgiving at a particular time. I may need more time and a lot more prayer. That's okay, life is a marathon not a sprint. I can't force myself to be ready for something that I'm not. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and being open to life. In some instances, it has taken me years to work through awareness and acceptance and I often have to revisit them.

The things that have been the most pivotal for me are:

• Knowing and reminding myself that forgiveness is a choice and I can do it even when part of me doesn't want to and even when my feelings don't line up, I don't have to be controlled by my feelings
• Forgiveness is a process and to allow myself to be exactly where I am without beating myself up
• Forgiveness isn't always a one shot deal, it has often been a daily choice for me over and over again
• Forgiveness will set me free

Forgiveness has been a bit like a wrestling match for me. It reminds me of when Jacob told God that he wasn't going to stop wrestling with Him until he got God's blessing. In the end, Jacob persevered and received the blessing. If I keep my eye on the goal and do the footwork the best I can, forgiveness will result but it often won't happen overnight when working on a deep rooted and/or extremely heart breaking resentment. It will take time, blood, sweat, and tears, but it will happen if I don't give up (Galatians 6:9). Forgiving doesn't necessarily take the pain away, but it releases me from expending the energy to fuel the fire and over time the intense hurt does subside. I believe that right thinking follows right actions. I have had to pray for those who have hurt me, pray for my heart to soften and ask for forgiveness of my unforgiveness, make my own amends, serve and show love to my offenders, and become aware of my weaknesses. When I take down my shield of pride and allow humility to seep in, I see that I have hurt others in many of the same ways that I have been hurt. I have to realize time and time again that I screw up and need forgiveness daily. What is so special about me that I can receive an unlimited amount of forgiveness while I pridefully hang on to my grudges? I am not better or worse than anyone else, we are all equal. 

I couldn't have moved past unforgiveness toward wholeness without loving, nonjudgmental supports. Friends and professionals who have listened, prayed, helped me sift through all the stuff in my head, and shared  experience, strength, and hope. Going this road alone is not an option for me! Knowing that God promises me healing and restoration as a result of forgiveness has been my ultimate motivator. God has grown my faith and trust in Him, showing me firsthand that with Him all things are possible (Matthew 19:26). I am still a work in progress and all the time I am becoming aware of more areas that I need to extend forgiveness. I know I will never get more than I can handle and I will never be abandoned to handle it on my own. I know I have God to guide me through it and carry me when necessary. 

** You can use all of these strategies when working towards forgiving yourself, which is often the most difficult **

Why Forgiveness?

This is part two of the forgiveness series I started on Sunday. If you missed the first posted titled, What is Forgiveness?, click here to catch up. I used to think there were very few reasons to forgive, I was ignorant to the extreme destruction unforgiveness causes and the amazing freedom and healing that results from choosing to forgive. Today I am going to focus on reasons encouraging us to forgive even when it goes against everything that screams inside of us and regardless of what others say.

1.   The Ultimate Sacrifice - God sent His son, Jesus, to earth to save us from many things: sin, death, ourselves. God knew we needed a savior and He loves us so much that He sent His one and only son to be our sacrificial lamb, so we could be saved from our sins and receive forgiveness. Without Jesus' death on the cross, there wouldn't have been any price paid for our sins and we would be weighed down with them for eternity. Thankfully Jesus chose to pay our ransom and overcame our shortcomings with his blood. When we accept Jesus as our Savior, we have the amazing privilege of receiving the free gift of forgiveness. God forgave me of all my sins (which is a tremendous list!), how can I not forgive others?

2.   My Forgiveness is Conditional - If I don't forgive then I won't be forgiven.

•  "............ and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us" - The Lord's Prayer
• "But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins." - Matthew 6:15 NLT
• "Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn others, or it will all come back against you. Forgive others, and you will be forgiven." - Luke 6:37 NLT

3.   It is Fruit of Following Jesus - I can't just say that I follow Jesus, I must LIVE it! We have all heard the old expression, "Actions speak louder than words". If I am truly a follower of Jesus, my life will reflect his message and it will result in good "fruit". We minister the loudest to those around us through our behavior. "Minister always and when necessary, use words." 

• "Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others." - Colossians 3:13 NLT 
• "Then Peter came to him and asked, "Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times? No, not seven times," Jesus replied, "but seventy times seven!" - Matthew 18:21-22
• Even if that person wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and asks forgiveness, you must forgive.” - Luke 17:4 NLT
• Jesus said (while hanging on the cross, his last words)", “Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing.” - Luke 23:24 *My emphasis added* 

4.   Forgiveness Releases Me - Unforgiveness is such a stronghold in the lives of those who carry it around. Surprisingly, it requires much more energy to forgive than to nurse a grudge and bitterness. Unforgiveness can result in SO many ailments; physical, emotional, social, spiritual, you name it! It slowly eats away at the insides of its holders. It speaks lies and garbage into lives and destroys relationships. It is a poison that infects the insides and becomes spewed out through words, actions, attitudes, and holds us back from our true potential and experiencing real peace and joy. Forgiveness changes lives!

• "You can't hold a man down without staying down with him." - Booker T. Washington
• "Forgiveness is not forgetting, it's letting go of the hurt." - Mary McLeod Bethune
• "Every time I try to tighten the noose of resentment around someone's neck, I am really only chocking myself. Today I will practice forgiveness instead." - Courage to Change p. 278
• "A part of me wants to cling to old resentments, but I know that the more I forgive, the better my life works." - In All Our Affairs 
• "The prisoner that it really frees is you." - Matthew West

What is Forgiveness?

This Monday, the song I posted was Forgiveness by Matthew West. I first heard this song a few months ago and it grabbed me. I have been praying about it ever since. Not too long ago, God placed it on my heart to write about forgiveness and my experiences relating to it. So here is the first of a few posts about forgiveness.................... enjoy and be encouraged :)

In order to forgive, I need to have a resentment or perceived an offense or annoyance of some kind. Well, when I get really honest I don't have to look too far to find one of those. I just had one this morning; an individual who I felt talked too much, provided a distraction, and a slight challenge for me. A resentment can just barely scratch the surface or it can be like black ice that takes lots of work to chip away at. Regardless of the "severity", forgiveness is appropriate.

So what does forgiveness actually mean? It's a word that I had heard very often throughout my life, but was (and still sometimes am) confused by it. Since beginning an amazing journey of healing, I have heard and defined several ways to describe forgiveness. Here are a few:

"Releasing the pain/burden caused by ourselves or another."

"Releasing our offender from revenge or payment owed."

"Choosing to give up the grudge and moving on."

"Forgiveness is humility."

"Letting God deal with it and bring justice." 

There are many myths about forgiveness. It is not humiliating, a feeling, being a doormat, insincere, something that has to be earned, black and white, a quick fix, or reconciliation. Forgiveness is a choice, an action, and a process. I had so many misconceptions about forgiveness. What I have learned is that forgiveness is not black and white and there are different "levels". I can forgive someone and not have a relationship with them; I can love them from a distance. I can choose to forgive even when I don't feel like it. That when I choose to forgive, I actually release myself from bondage and suffering. I can forgive when my offender is not remorseful or asking to be forgiven. Unforgiveness affects me more than the person I resent.

How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To by Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D. was the first book I read about forgiveness. Although I don't agree with everything in this read, I found it a beneficial place to start and very educational. Side note: no, I do not get any kickbacks from purchases of the book.

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What does forgiveness mean to you?