How to Forgive?

Here is Part 3 of the Forgiveness Series. So far, we have talked about what forgiveness is and why it is important.  Which leads us to the burning question, how do we forgive? I wish I could say that I have found a fool proof formula that guarantees a quick and smooth forgiveness process, but I have not. My forgiveness has been messy and trying, but I have made progress. I have forgiven people and things that I never would have thought possible. I have been able to gain understanding, empathy, and compassion for individuals and situations that baffle, confuse, hurt, and infuriate me. I have been released of some of the bondage that has held me back for a long time. It feels great to get rid of some of the burdens and get on with the business of living!

As I said in a previous post, forgiveness is a process. That was a hard one for me to understand and accept. I wanted to say, "I forgive you" and be done with it. The problem was that I had done that before and not really meant it. I said the words hoping to release myself and move on, but it didn't work. Why not? Because I didn't go through the process of acknowledging my feelings, acceptance, and truly become willing to forgive and release the pain. Instead I offered "cheap forgiveness" and crossed the resentment off my list, all the while wondering why I couldn't truly let it go even though part of me wanted to. I wanted to go from A to Z skipping all the letters in between. I have learned it doesn't work like that. I have to feel before I can heal. So back to the drawing board!

The first step for me is becoming truly aware of many things: what actually happened, my feelings and why I have them, where the other person was/is coming from, and my part in the situation. Once I have the awareness, I need to come to a level of acceptance. Acceptance of the past and that it is out of my control, acceptance of myself and the other person for who we are and how we have behaved, acceptance of my feelings and giving myself permission and room to really feel and explore them without denial, minimizing, or stuffing them. Then comes the willingness to forgive. It is impossible for me to move on with the action of forgiveness if I am unwilling. Sometimes I have to pray for the willingness to be willing to forgive. Sometimes the pain is so intense that I just can't imagine forgiving at a particular time. I may need more time and a lot more prayer. That's okay, life is a marathon not a sprint. I can't force myself to be ready for something that I'm not. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and being open to life. In some instances, it has taken me years to work through awareness and acceptance and I often have to revisit them.

The things that have been the most pivotal for me are:

• Knowing and reminding myself that forgiveness is a choice and I can do it even when part of me doesn't want to and even when my feelings don't line up, I don't have to be controlled by my feelings
• Forgiveness is a process and to allow myself to be exactly where I am without beating myself up
• Forgiveness isn't always a one shot deal, it has often been a daily choice for me over and over again
• Forgiveness will set me free

Forgiveness has been a bit like a wrestling match for me. It reminds me of when Jacob told God that he wasn't going to stop wrestling with Him until he got God's blessing. In the end, Jacob persevered and received the blessing. If I keep my eye on the goal and do the footwork the best I can, forgiveness will result but it often won't happen overnight when working on a deep rooted and/or extremely heart breaking resentment. It will take time, blood, sweat, and tears, but it will happen if I don't give up (Galatians 6:9). Forgiving doesn't necessarily take the pain away, but it releases me from expending the energy to fuel the fire and over time the intense hurt does subside. I believe that right thinking follows right actions. I have had to pray for those who have hurt me, pray for my heart to soften and ask for forgiveness of my unforgiveness, make my own amends, serve and show love to my offenders, and become aware of my weaknesses. When I take down my shield of pride and allow humility to seep in, I see that I have hurt others in many of the same ways that I have been hurt. I have to realize time and time again that I screw up and need forgiveness daily. What is so special about me that I can receive an unlimited amount of forgiveness while I pridefully hang on to my grudges? I am not better or worse than anyone else, we are all equal. 

I couldn't have moved past unforgiveness toward wholeness without loving, nonjudgmental supports. Friends and professionals who have listened, prayed, helped me sift through all the stuff in my head, and shared  experience, strength, and hope. Going this road alone is not an option for me! Knowing that God promises me healing and restoration as a result of forgiveness has been my ultimate motivator. God has grown my faith and trust in Him, showing me firsthand that with Him all things are possible (Matthew 19:26). I am still a work in progress and all the time I am becoming aware of more areas that I need to extend forgiveness. I know I will never get more than I can handle and I will never be abandoned to handle it on my own. I know I have God to guide me through it and carry me when necessary. 

** You can use all of these strategies when working towards forgiving yourself, which is often the most difficult **