Precious Moments

No, not the little figurines. To be honest, I never really liked those :) What I am talking about are the precious moments that occur everyday. Am I present and tuned in to them or am I stuck in the past, projecting into the future, or just lost inside myself? 5 weeks ago I started a part time job. It has been a big adjustment, especially since I haven't worked regularly in over 6 years. Every mom knows about "Mommy Guilt". It comes with the territory of motherhood no matter what you do. I have experienced a new flavor of it since beginning my job.

"Am I spending enough quality time with the kids? Will they get everything they need from me? Are they feeling pushed aside or neglected now that I have less time with them? What am I missing while I am gone? How do I fit everything in?" 

These are just a few of the questions that have burdened me over the past few weeks. I know the root of all of these is fear and insecurity. So what do I do about it? Am I going to be part of the problem or the solution? Will I allow this stinkin' thinkin' to swallow me or will I do my best to swim to shore? I have chosen to keep swimming. Instead of focusing on what has changed and what I don't have, I am striving to zero in on what I do have and making the most of it.

I have precious moments all day long that make my heart smile if I just stay in the present! 

When I "live in the now" as Wayne Campbell (Mike Myers) says in the movie Wayne's World, I get to experience so many amazing things that happen everyday.

 Today I had countless precious moments that I am thankful to have been truly present to experience and savor: good morning hugs from the kids, 5 minutes alone with Ella while waiting for the bus, peaceful 15 minute rides to and from work, the excited running and hugs from the kids when I came home, Cal's laughter just before bedtime, snuggling with the girls, hearing about the kids' April Fool's pranks, Mya hugging me tight even after I corrected her, and the hug from a stranger who I had the privilege of blessing today.

Thank you God for the many precious moments that you bless me with every day. Please help me to stay in the present with a positive outlook so I can experience all of them.

Acceptance Prayer

I am posting the following Acceptance Prayer because it is a precursor to forgiveness. I have to accept what has happened in my life and the people who have offended me. Please don't mistake me, acceptance doesn't mean that I have to like or condone unacceptable things or behavior. It doesn't mean that I lay down and let people abuse me as a martyr of forgiveness. Absolutely not! But I do need a level of acceptance to be able to forgive and truly move on from hardship and injustices. This is a lead in to my last post on forgiveness titled, "How to Forgive?" Don't miss it!!

Acceptance Prayer

From the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

Acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world my mistake. Unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes. 

What is Forgiveness?

This Monday, the song I posted was Forgiveness by Matthew West. I first heard this song a few months ago and it grabbed me. I have been praying about it ever since. Not too long ago, God placed it on my heart to write about forgiveness and my experiences relating to it. So here is the first of a few posts about forgiveness.................... enjoy and be encouraged :)

In order to forgive, I need to have a resentment or perceived an offense or annoyance of some kind. Well, when I get really honest I don't have to look too far to find one of those. I just had one this morning; an individual who I felt talked too much, provided a distraction, and a slight challenge for me. A resentment can just barely scratch the surface or it can be like black ice that takes lots of work to chip away at. Regardless of the "severity", forgiveness is appropriate.

So what does forgiveness actually mean? It's a word that I had heard very often throughout my life, but was (and still sometimes am) confused by it. Since beginning an amazing journey of healing, I have heard and defined several ways to describe forgiveness. Here are a few:

"Releasing the pain/burden caused by ourselves or another."

"Releasing our offender from revenge or payment owed."

"Choosing to give up the grudge and moving on."

"Forgiveness is humility."

"Letting God deal with it and bring justice." 

There are many myths about forgiveness. It is not humiliating, a feeling, being a doormat, insincere, something that has to be earned, black and white, a quick fix, or reconciliation. Forgiveness is a choice, an action, and a process. I had so many misconceptions about forgiveness. What I have learned is that forgiveness is not black and white and there are different "levels". I can forgive someone and not have a relationship with them; I can love them from a distance. I can choose to forgive even when I don't feel like it. That when I choose to forgive, I actually release myself from bondage and suffering. I can forgive when my offender is not remorseful or asking to be forgiven. Unforgiveness affects me more than the person I resent.

How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To by Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D. was the first book I read about forgiveness. Although I don't agree with everything in this read, I found it a beneficial place to start and very educational. Side note: no, I do not get any kickbacks from purchases of the book.

Make sure you don't miss any posts in this series about forgiveness! Subscribe to posts via email or like the CSM Facebook page, both on the right margin of the page.

What does forgiveness mean to you?

Victim or Victor?

This goes along with yesterday's post about Living in the Solution. So what exactly does that mean to me? It's easy to throw out some fancy, positive words; it's quite another to live by them. As I said yesterday, please don't misunderstand any of this. I don't accomplish what I set out to do all the time. I struggle, I fall, sometimes I can pick myself up and dust myself off and move on, other times I need handfuls of friends and supporters who literally drag me out of the mud pit I have myself sprawled out and stuck in. Of course I want to do it "right" every time (remember I am a recovering perfectionist :), but I know that is not possible and it's in my best interests that I stumble and fall. So instead, I have adopted a new word that I often use: PURPOSE. One of the dictionary definitions of Purpose: "an intended or desired result; end; aim; goal". So keep this is mind as you read this and other posts on this site. I purpose to do these things, to live them. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I get off course, and sometimes I just fall face first in the mud, but everyday I get "a little bit stronger" (Thanks Sara Evans!)

So back to the original question: What does it mean to live in the solution? For me it means to learn what I really have control over and what I don't and then work to accept them. When I try to change what I don't or was never meant to have control over, I become out of control and alienate people. When I don't control what I am meant to, I relinquish my responsibilities to others and in turn feel helpless and take on a victim-mentality. Both of these alternatives are not very appealing to myself or to those around me. So where do I start? I start by focusing on myself and getting really honest. I need God and often times another healthy person to help me with objectivity. This is usually a very humbling process. 

So what are the things that I can control? How much sleep I get, how I eat, exercise, what I wear, what goes into my body, how I spend my time, what I watch, read, and listen to, who I surround myself with, how I respond to others, my thoughts, my mouth, how I spend my money, what I do for others, how I take care of my living space, and how I care for my children. Basically, I can take care of myself and my children when they are with me. These areas are where I can be empowered if I have the courage to take the control. 

What are the things I can't control? EVERYTHING ELSE! That can be a real thorn in my side sometimes and I wrestle with it. Of course, my wrestling match is all in vein but I can be a slow learner. :) What does that mean for single moms? We can't control what happens when the kids are with Dad, we can't control what Dad does or how he parents, we can't control that we need help, we can't control that we will feel exhausted, overworked, and overwhelmed at times, we can't control what people think about us and their responses to us, and we can't control how our children behave to name a few. Not having control over these things can be maddening at times. The wonderful thing is we do have control over how we respond to these things. This is how we take back control and not become a victim of circumstance. We have choices and we don't have to accept unacceptable behavior. We can have victory in the worst of situations if we choose it!

Living in the Solution

One of the things that God has pressed on my heart with this blog is focusing on the solution, not the problem. Yes, we all know that single-parent families are growing at rapid rates. We know that the divorce rate for first marriages is 50%. We have all heard the term "broken family" as it's used quite often. Recently I read that a "blended family" is the most common family in America. I tend to hear all about the "problem" and hypotheses as to what is causing it.

It's so easy as a single mom to get wrapped up in and suffocated by the problem. In the snap of my fingers I can be under a heavy cloud of worry, guilt, shame, self-pity, and resentment. Where does that get me? Digging myself a big hole, that's where! In the process I suffer and so do my kids. It doesn't do anyone a bit of good! Thankfully, I have many wise and loving women in my life who ask me, "Shannon, are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solution?" That snaps me back to reality really quickly!

I have a choice, I can get stuck in the problem or I can acknowledge it and move on to the solution. I have to make that choice everyday (sometimes several times a day). Sometimes I choose wisely, other times I don't. But that's okay, because I am human and there is grace. Life is SO much better when I choose the solution, it allows me to truly live! Someone once told me to hold my hand right in front of my face and then asked what I could see. Of course, I mostly saw my hand and a little bit of my surroundings. Then the person told me to extend my arm out in front of me. At that point my perspective flip-flopped. She said my hand was like my challenge(s). When I held them right in front of my eyes, that's all I could see. When I distanced myself from them, I could see a lot more of the things in front of me. Then, here is the kicker (my addition). Lift your hand up over your head while keeping your eyes focused in front of you, now you don't see the hand (challenges) at all. That's what happens when we truly and completely surrender our problems, hurts, etc. to God. More on that in the future :) The greatest part about all this is that I have a CHOICE. I get to choose my thoughts and my actions.

I choose the solution. I choose to thrive, not just survive. I choose to help others. I choose to be grateful for what I have rather than focusing on the all the things I don't have. I choose to draw near to God through the many opportunities I have during the day. I choose to parent my children the best that I can today. I choose to take care of myself. I choose to trust that God works everything out for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes (Romans 8:28). I choose to be honest with myself and others. I choose to do the best I can to change the things I can. I choose to work at acceptance and living life on life's terms. I choose to live!!