Cell Phone Withdrawal

The other day I left my phone at church. I had to spend almost 24 hours without it. That is the longest I have ever been without it since I got it over seven years ago. It was odd and uncomfortable. I felt like something was missing and I felt a bit lost. In addition to using my phone for the basic calls and texts, I rely heavily on it for the calendar, daily schedule, lists, and journal. I got an iphone in March and since then my "relationship" with my phone has really taken off. I often feel like my life is on my phone and if I were to lose it or the information it contains I would be panicked.

So it got me thinking............... Do I have a "cell phone relationship" with God? Do I feel lost without Him? Is my whole life wrapped up in Him? Do I panic when I think of losing Him? During the day when I have the choice between cell phone and God, who do I choose?

I have to admit, sometimes I experience some boredom in my relationship with God. Currently I am in a place like that. Several months ago I discovered some new dimensions in my relationship with God; it was fun and exciting to explore them. Now the novelty has worn off and I'm looking for my adrenaline fix again. So where do I look for it? Do I pour into God or do I look elsewhere? 

I'd like to say that I'm always satisfied with God and that I always look to Him to meet all my needs. I'd like to say that I am always in wonderful contact with Him and that our relationship is always growing and thriving. But, I'm here to be real! 

So back to the cell phone......... During my day without my phone God showed me that I often look to it for the instant gratification and excitement that I crave. After my initial discomfort of feeling "naked" without my phone, God provided me with sweet fellowship and peace that was better than and much more long lasting than an adrenaline rush that I might get from texting, Facebook, or Instagram.

Several months ago I was in a very lonely place. I was praying, asking God to send a new person into my life that I could have a very close relationship with. He clearly told me that He wanted to be my best friend and that I would get all that I longed for in a relationship with Him. But the human side of me says, "But God, how do I do that? You are not here next to me in the physical sense to do things with and give me a hug when I need it. How do I make You my best friend?" Thankfully, He is teaching me. Philippians 1:6 says, And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. I read something recently that said, "first we get the willingness, then the ability". I believe God has placed in me a willingness to make Him my best friend and now He is working with me and showing me how to do that in my everyday life. I am so grateful for the promises of scripture! According to Philippians, God starts "good works" in me and keeps teaching and working with me on them until Jesus comes back. So, He is never going to ask me to do something without being there to guide me through it to completion. Thank goodness for that because I need a lot of help! :)

I feel like my day without the phone gave me a taste of the richness of having a really close relationship with God is like without distractions. He showed me what a distraction my phone can be to me and how it can come between God and I. He showed me how I often look to other people to meet needs that only He can meet. He showed me that I often crave other things and people more than I crave Him. He wants to be first place in my life. Certainly not because God is pushy, but because He loves me tremendously and wants amazing blessings in my life. He wants me to be full of peace, contentment, joy, and wisdom and the only way that will happen is if He is my best friend. So, I have pushed my phone aside a little and making more room to be closer to God. I once heard God referred to as a gentleman. I absolutely see that in my life. He uses such gentle ways to show me clear truths and guides me with tenderness and love.

Please comment and share how God has used everyday occurrences to guide you in your relationship with Him. 

Awake

The term "awake" is one that is used very often. 

I looked it up in the dictionary. Some of the descriptions I found were:  
"to wake up; rouse from sleep. to rouse to action; become active. to come or bring to awareness; become cognizant. vigilant, alert."

I have been using the term in excitement many mornings this past week as my girls have been sleeping in past 7:00 am, which is definitely something to celebrate around here. One morning my girls didn't awake until 8:00 am and I had to wake Cal up at 8:30 am. I don't think all three of my kids have broken 8:00 am all on the same day, EVER. Moms of little ones, you know what I'm talking about! :) OK, I digress.......

Back to being awake. This word has been coming back to me over and over during the past few months. For many years, despite being physically awake, I was not mentally, emotionally, or spiritually even close to awake. Instead, those parts of me were in a deep dark slumber, too frozen and fearful to even crack an eye open. 

February 2011 changed everything and started to rouse those parts of me that had been sleeping for so long. I was in New York City ice skating in Central Park. It was a beautiful winter day and I was enjoying myself, but I felt slightly troubled. All of a sudden, I had a very intense and life changing spiritual awakening. I was skating along when God literally lifted a veil that had been over my eyes. I looked around and saw everything through a completely new lens, through eyes (heart, mind, and soul) that were finally awake. It was extremely emotional: enlightening, humbling, scary, exhilarating, and painful. God knew I needed that experience despite the pain it brought, I needed it so I would be spurred to action. His plans are always the best and that's exactly what happened. 

Since that day 2.5 years ago, much has changed in my life. New parts of myself have continued to awaken and at deeper levels. This process of awakening has brought countless blessings. However, it has been very challenging at times. In order to become really alert, vigilant, and to stay awake, I have had to let go of many things that I have used to keep myself warm, sleepy, and numb. I will be completely honest and say this has been excruciating to say the least. I've thrown many of my "lovies" and "security items" in the garbage and traded them for healthy and functional ways of relating to life. It's still a work in progress and I think it always will be to some extent. Despite the pain and struggle, being awake is SO worth it and I do NOT want to go back!

God, thank you for awakening me to life. Even though it can be extremely difficult to keep my heart, mind, soul, and spirit awake when things get tough, I am so grateful to be open to what You put in my path. I trust your plan and timing for my life. Amen     

A Beautiful Mess

A beautiful mess, such a contradiction! Is it even possible? I heard this phrase a few weeks ago when the MOPS theme for next year was revealed.

MOPS stands for Mothers of Preschoolers. It is a group for moms with kids who aren't in school yet and provides childcare during the meetings. Moms have childless time with other women, eat, do activities, listen to speakers, support one another, laugh, and have uninterrupted conversations. Check out www.mops.org for a group near you. I go to The Wesleyan Church of Hamburg group and it is incredible!

Okay, MOPS plug over :) Back to a beautiful mess...... In general, I don't like messes. I am the kind of person who likes things in its place neatly. I'm not much for lots of things. Actually one of my favorite things to do is get rid if stuff I don't need or really want. It's like a snake shedding its skin, when I release things I feel clearer and freer. When I start to feel overwhelmed by the task of taking care of stuff, I know it's time for me to purge some. It's harder to have a mess when you don't have too much stuff. My stuff has to serve me, not the other way around.

I can tolerate a mess for a short while, but there always comes the time that I need it cleaned up NOW!!! I feel calmer, safer, and more secure when their is not much clutter and everything is in its "home". It also saves a lot of frustration when I need or want something, I know right where it is.

The thing is, I can't prevent nor clean up all messes despite my best efforts. I struggle and strive but it's no use, it's not my fight. It's hard to accept sometimes. What do you mean I can't clean this one up even if I jump through hoops? I sometimes have to struggle for a while to no avail. Then I hear it, the soft, gentle whisper....... "It's not your fight Shannon, I got this one." And then I remember, I'm not in control, I'm not God. I'm trying to do God's job and shirking some of my own responsibilities. The wisdom washes over me (for the umpteenth time) that I am responsible for doing my part the best that I can and Then trust God with the outcome. Sounds easy, but for a control-freak like me that is a tall order!

Then it hits me....... My life is a beautiful mess and God is cleaning it up one day at a time. He is cleaning up things that I thought were impossible to tame. He is using my messes to bring beauty, blessing, and healing to myself and others. God is doing the unthinkable in my limited human perspective, He is turning my ashes into beauty, He is turning my misery into my ministry. He is cultivating things in me that would have been impossible had my life gone in a different direction. He is bringing me through abuse, addiction, divorce, impurity, anxiety, depression, isolation, hatred, judgment, fear, and a host of sin. It blows my mind to think about the ways He is transforming my life! What do ya say, are you going to let Him do the same in your life?

Please leave a comment sharing how God has turned your messes into beauty!!

Doing Something Different

If you do what you always did, you are going to get what you always got!

So what does that mean? I have to do something different.

If nothing changes, nothing changes.

Simple concepts, yes. Incredibly hard to do. But completely possible and totally worth it!

Sometimes it's scary, other times it's inconvenient, it may be just plain uncomfortable and unnatural.

So what do I do? I make a choice; do what I always did or do something different. If it isn't broken, don't fix it and keep going in the same direction. If I want a new outcome, I have to choose a new action. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. Am I going to be insane or not? The choice is mine!

Prior to 2 years ago, if you asked me if I was insane, I would have answered you with a strong "absolutely not". I thought I was the saneist person I knew. Haha, the joke was on me! I love that God has a sense of humor. Thank goodness for the clarity of hindsight. Looking back, I can vividly see much of my craziness and boy was I out of control. I still am sometimes, but I can often recognize it now and have amazing people in my life who lovingly and truthfully help me do reality checks. What a gift those are, even if I don't like to admit it right away.

So what has changed for me over the past 2 years? Practically everything!!! Maybe not externally, but internally God has rocked my world! My way of life and outlook have done a 180. This has been tough for a girl who has a tendency to fight change regardless of how beneficial it is. I am learning that I can cross my arms a different way, take risks, be spontaneous, break my "rules", open up myself to new people and experiences, and approach the world through new eyes. Scary, yes. Worth it, absolutely! Nothing changes until the discomfort of the past and present overpower the fear of the future. But when it does, oh how sweet life gets!

Precious Moments: Christmas Day

I previously posted about my feelings and attitudes toward Christmas this year in a posted titled, Christmas Tree O Christmas Tree. In short, I was not into the commercial side of Christmas at all this year. I had the kids for Christmas Eve through Christmas morning and then they went with Dad for the rest of the day. I was determined to enjoy Christmas with my kids despite my feelings. I had experienced numerous blessings leading up until the holiday and my heart was overjoyed with the true meaning of the season. I resolved that our Christmas morning was going to reflect that and I would do my best to stay in the moment and find joy right where I was, while ignoring all of the other stinkin thinkin and feelings that had surfaced for me.

So here goes................. I woke up on Christmas morning feeling tired after Christmas Eve celebrations with family and then waiting for the kiddos to be completely sound asleep before playing Santa. I prayed hard, knew I only had to hold it together for a few hours, and waited. Finally around 7:30 am (which is a sleep in for my crew), I heard little feet coming to my room.

Feeling the excitement radiating from the kids was fun and definitely boosted me! I decided that I wanted to be truly present while they were opening gifts. I was and it was an amazing blessing! Here is what I observed and experienced.

I proudly watched as my children were grateful for and excited about everything from the big gifts to the smallest detail. This reminds me of a very memorable moment from the Christmas of 2011. Ella opened an automatic Hello Kitty toothbrush and shouted, "Just what I wanted!" This was the most heartfelt reaction by far to any of the gifts all of the kids had received. I just love the simplicity of kids!

Anyways, done with my tangent :) This Christmas while I got quiet and intently watched my kids, I saw three distinct "gift unwrapping personalities" and I watched with wonder and saw similarities between how each child opened their gifts and their temperaments. It was a lot of fun!

Ella savored unwrapping by saving most of her gifts until after Mya and Cal had finished. She wanted to help and watch her siblings and experience all of the excitement with them before the climax of seeing what she received. She didn't want it to end! Ella was the Savoring Opener.

Mya was the fiery opener. She tore through her presents like the Tazmanian Devil. She couldn't get through them fast enough! She was done with all of hers and ready to get the toys out of the packages before Ella and Cal had gotten through two gifts. There was no savoring here, just pure unleashed excitement and focus! Mya was the Assembly Line Opener.

Cal was a slow opener who played with everything after he unwrapped it. He was so taken with everything that he saw and got completely absorbed in it that he didn't care about anything else. He was excited with the toys and boxes equally. He had an elaborate train garage and track set up pretty quickly! Cal was the Reluctant Opener.

What a blessing it is to truly be present for the precious moments of our lives! Please comment and share your precious moments, I would love to read them!

Below are some of our fun Christmas pictures from this year :)

My Heart

                                    

Happy Easter and Resurrection Sunday! My heart has overflowed with love, thanksgiving, adornment, and awe this week. Thinking about the true meaning of Easter and why we celebrate is overwhelming at times. To think that Jesus voluntarily died on the cross for our sins and then overcame death by rising up to heaven to be with his father. That is something that is very difficult for my human mind to truly wrap itself around. Jesus who was fully man and fully God chose to offer himself as a sacrifice for my sins so I could be acceptable to God and live with Him in eternity. Really? Jesus, I haven't even met you, are you sure? I ask these questions in my humanness and I hear the small but sure whisper in my heart........ "YES!" So I must have to do something to earn this, to make myself somewhat worthy of this, to repay him. Now here is the kicker, all I have to do is believe in Jesus and follow him. Simple..... yes. Easy...... not always. Worth it? TOTALLY! 

In order to follow Jesus I have to get to know him. I do this in many ways. Through prayer, reading the Bible, worshiping, spending time and sharing with others, serving, recovering from unhealthiness, healing pain, and surrendering to and obeying him. The more I open my heart to him, the more he changes me and transforms my life in amazing ways.

I have been spending a lot of time this week reflecting on where I was a year ago and thanking God for the incredible ways He has worked in my life. I am speechless when I think about where I am now compared to where I have been in the past. Only God. I'm so thankful that I am not looking to other people and things to do what only He can do! My heart has been captured by Jesus, he is my first love!

Today while worshiping at church and thinking about all this, God gave me the best image to represent this change that has happened in my heart. He first gave me the image of a heart of stone being transformed into a living, beating heart. Then I saw the Grinch at the end of the movie when his heart grew three sizes when he discovered the true meaning of Christmas. That is a great depiction of how God has worked in my heart....... he took my heart of stone, replaced it with a living one, and He grows it all the time. Just when I think it will burst from love and gratitude, He increases its capacity to receive and give these gifts and I am amazed every time! God has turned me from a Grinch into a follower of Jesus, my heart and life are forever changed.


                                      

Precious Moments

No, not the little figurines. To be honest, I never really liked those :) What I am talking about are the precious moments that occur everyday. Am I present and tuned in to them or am I stuck in the past, projecting into the future, or just lost inside myself? 5 weeks ago I started a part time job. It has been a big adjustment, especially since I haven't worked regularly in over 6 years. Every mom knows about "Mommy Guilt". It comes with the territory of motherhood no matter what you do. I have experienced a new flavor of it since beginning my job.

"Am I spending enough quality time with the kids? Will they get everything they need from me? Are they feeling pushed aside or neglected now that I have less time with them? What am I missing while I am gone? How do I fit everything in?" 

These are just a few of the questions that have burdened me over the past few weeks. I know the root of all of these is fear and insecurity. So what do I do about it? Am I going to be part of the problem or the solution? Will I allow this stinkin' thinkin' to swallow me or will I do my best to swim to shore? I have chosen to keep swimming. Instead of focusing on what has changed and what I don't have, I am striving to zero in on what I do have and making the most of it.

I have precious moments all day long that make my heart smile if I just stay in the present! 

When I "live in the now" as Wayne Campbell (Mike Myers) says in the movie Wayne's World, I get to experience so many amazing things that happen everyday.

 Today I had countless precious moments that I am thankful to have been truly present to experience and savor: good morning hugs from the kids, 5 minutes alone with Ella while waiting for the bus, peaceful 15 minute rides to and from work, the excited running and hugs from the kids when I came home, Cal's laughter just before bedtime, snuggling with the girls, hearing about the kids' April Fool's pranks, Mya hugging me tight even after I corrected her, and the hug from a stranger who I had the privilege of blessing today.

Thank you God for the many precious moments that you bless me with every day. Please help me to stay in the present with a positive outlook so I can experience all of them.

What is Forgiveness?

This Monday, the song I posted was Forgiveness by Matthew West. I first heard this song a few months ago and it grabbed me. I have been praying about it ever since. Not too long ago, God placed it on my heart to write about forgiveness and my experiences relating to it. So here is the first of a few posts about forgiveness.................... enjoy and be encouraged :)

In order to forgive, I need to have a resentment or perceived an offense or annoyance of some kind. Well, when I get really honest I don't have to look too far to find one of those. I just had one this morning; an individual who I felt talked too much, provided a distraction, and a slight challenge for me. A resentment can just barely scratch the surface or it can be like black ice that takes lots of work to chip away at. Regardless of the "severity", forgiveness is appropriate.

So what does forgiveness actually mean? It's a word that I had heard very often throughout my life, but was (and still sometimes am) confused by it. Since beginning an amazing journey of healing, I have heard and defined several ways to describe forgiveness. Here are a few:

"Releasing the pain/burden caused by ourselves or another."

"Releasing our offender from revenge or payment owed."

"Choosing to give up the grudge and moving on."

"Forgiveness is humility."

"Letting God deal with it and bring justice." 

There are many myths about forgiveness. It is not humiliating, a feeling, being a doormat, insincere, something that has to be earned, black and white, a quick fix, or reconciliation. Forgiveness is a choice, an action, and a process. I had so many misconceptions about forgiveness. What I have learned is that forgiveness is not black and white and there are different "levels". I can forgive someone and not have a relationship with them; I can love them from a distance. I can choose to forgive even when I don't feel like it. That when I choose to forgive, I actually release myself from bondage and suffering. I can forgive when my offender is not remorseful or asking to be forgiven. Unforgiveness affects me more than the person I resent.

How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To by Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D. was the first book I read about forgiveness. Although I don't agree with everything in this read, I found it a beneficial place to start and very educational. Side note: no, I do not get any kickbacks from purchases of the book.

Make sure you don't miss any posts in this series about forgiveness! Subscribe to posts via email or like the CSM Facebook page, both on the right margin of the page.

What does forgiveness mean to you?

Christmas Tree O Christmas Tree

This year our Christmas tree was a bit neglected. Usually I can't wait to decorate the tree and enjoy taking the time to reminisce about old ornaments and hang them in just the right places. I used to LOVE Christmas decorations and putting them everywhere. This year was different. It was the first year of the divorce and I just didn't feel like doing any of the preparations for the holiday. It all just seemed too hard and too emotional. Thanks to a good friend who came over with her son and guided the tree decorating a week before Christmas. She and my girls did the vast majority of ornament hanging and I gladly took charge of making sure the kids had an ample supply of snacks. When they were all done, I stepped back and knew it was the best tree I had seen in a long time. It was just perfect! The kids had hung most of the ornaments and tinsel so there were very few things higher up on the tree, they were mostly all gathered at the bottom with chunks of tinsel throughout. I asked for help, rather than forcing myself to struggle through it on my own, and received some amazing, precious gifts - humility, a deepening friendship, a beautiful tree, companionship, and two proud little girls beaming with accomplishment.

Fast forward to January................. now I don't want to take the tree down. I just plain don't feel like it. The tree has been up so long that I hardly notice it anymore. Maybe if I leave it alone long enough the tree fairy will come and take it away! Unfortunately, that didn't happen. I'm happy to say that it was without ornaments  by February 1st, but truth be told it is still out and has to be put away. Thankfully I have a deadline of Saturday to get it all put away because I am having people over and need the space, so I know it will get done by then. My point in sharing this is that everything will happen when it is supposed to. I don't need to stress and struggle, nor try to keep up with everyone else. I just need to take care of myself and be content in running my race. There is no one "right" way to do things, let's face it there are many ways to skin a cat. How important is it that my tree get up and down by certain dates? Had you asked me that question a few years ago, I probably would have told you it was very important. Thankfully, today I feel differently. Instead of driving myself to emotional distress and insanity over a Christmas tree, I chose to relax and go with the flow knowing that everything would get taken care of when it was supposed to. I chose to step out of the "rules" and rigid ways of thinking that I have often been trapped in.

I will miss this tree that I didn't want to put up. But mostly I am grateful for the lessons it has taught me this holiday season. It is amazing how God uses simple things in my daily life to speak and develop profound truths in me. Thank you Lord for speaking to me and the ability to hear your voice.

Victim or Victor?

This goes along with yesterday's post about Living in the Solution. So what exactly does that mean to me? It's easy to throw out some fancy, positive words; it's quite another to live by them. As I said yesterday, please don't misunderstand any of this. I don't accomplish what I set out to do all the time. I struggle, I fall, sometimes I can pick myself up and dust myself off and move on, other times I need handfuls of friends and supporters who literally drag me out of the mud pit I have myself sprawled out and stuck in. Of course I want to do it "right" every time (remember I am a recovering perfectionist :), but I know that is not possible and it's in my best interests that I stumble and fall. So instead, I have adopted a new word that I often use: PURPOSE. One of the dictionary definitions of Purpose: "an intended or desired result; end; aim; goal". So keep this is mind as you read this and other posts on this site. I purpose to do these things, to live them. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I get off course, and sometimes I just fall face first in the mud, but everyday I get "a little bit stronger" (Thanks Sara Evans!)

So back to the original question: What does it mean to live in the solution? For me it means to learn what I really have control over and what I don't and then work to accept them. When I try to change what I don't or was never meant to have control over, I become out of control and alienate people. When I don't control what I am meant to, I relinquish my responsibilities to others and in turn feel helpless and take on a victim-mentality. Both of these alternatives are not very appealing to myself or to those around me. So where do I start? I start by focusing on myself and getting really honest. I need God and often times another healthy person to help me with objectivity. This is usually a very humbling process. 

So what are the things that I can control? How much sleep I get, how I eat, exercise, what I wear, what goes into my body, how I spend my time, what I watch, read, and listen to, who I surround myself with, how I respond to others, my thoughts, my mouth, how I spend my money, what I do for others, how I take care of my living space, and how I care for my children. Basically, I can take care of myself and my children when they are with me. These areas are where I can be empowered if I have the courage to take the control. 

What are the things I can't control? EVERYTHING ELSE! That can be a real thorn in my side sometimes and I wrestle with it. Of course, my wrestling match is all in vein but I can be a slow learner. :) What does that mean for single moms? We can't control what happens when the kids are with Dad, we can't control what Dad does or how he parents, we can't control that we need help, we can't control that we will feel exhausted, overworked, and overwhelmed at times, we can't control what people think about us and their responses to us, and we can't control how our children behave to name a few. Not having control over these things can be maddening at times. The wonderful thing is we do have control over how we respond to these things. This is how we take back control and not become a victim of circumstance. We have choices and we don't have to accept unacceptable behavior. We can have victory in the worst of situations if we choose it!

Living in the Solution

One of the things that God has pressed on my heart with this blog is focusing on the solution, not the problem. Yes, we all know that single-parent families are growing at rapid rates. We know that the divorce rate for first marriages is 50%. We have all heard the term "broken family" as it's used quite often. Recently I read that a "blended family" is the most common family in America. I tend to hear all about the "problem" and hypotheses as to what is causing it.

It's so easy as a single mom to get wrapped up in and suffocated by the problem. In the snap of my fingers I can be under a heavy cloud of worry, guilt, shame, self-pity, and resentment. Where does that get me? Digging myself a big hole, that's where! In the process I suffer and so do my kids. It doesn't do anyone a bit of good! Thankfully, I have many wise and loving women in my life who ask me, "Shannon, are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solution?" That snaps me back to reality really quickly!

I have a choice, I can get stuck in the problem or I can acknowledge it and move on to the solution. I have to make that choice everyday (sometimes several times a day). Sometimes I choose wisely, other times I don't. But that's okay, because I am human and there is grace. Life is SO much better when I choose the solution, it allows me to truly live! Someone once told me to hold my hand right in front of my face and then asked what I could see. Of course, I mostly saw my hand and a little bit of my surroundings. Then the person told me to extend my arm out in front of me. At that point my perspective flip-flopped. She said my hand was like my challenge(s). When I held them right in front of my eyes, that's all I could see. When I distanced myself from them, I could see a lot more of the things in front of me. Then, here is the kicker (my addition). Lift your hand up over your head while keeping your eyes focused in front of you, now you don't see the hand (challenges) at all. That's what happens when we truly and completely surrender our problems, hurts, etc. to God. More on that in the future :) The greatest part about all this is that I have a CHOICE. I get to choose my thoughts and my actions.

I choose the solution. I choose to thrive, not just survive. I choose to help others. I choose to be grateful for what I have rather than focusing on the all the things I don't have. I choose to draw near to God through the many opportunities I have during the day. I choose to parent my children the best that I can today. I choose to take care of myself. I choose to trust that God works everything out for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes (Romans 8:28). I choose to be honest with myself and others. I choose to do the best I can to change the things I can. I choose to work at acceptance and living life on life's terms. I choose to live!!

Weekends Without the Kids

My children go with Dad every other weekend in addition to some times during the week. They look forward to that time and so do I! Because of schedules, our weekends go from Saturday morning until Monday morning. By the Friday before they are going, I am usually physically and emotionally drained and in need of a large dose of quiet and solitude. I am an introvert by nature so I crave and need alone time to recharge. The thought of 48 hours to myself gives me delight and encouragement. It's kind of like toward the end of a school vacation, usually both kids and parents are ready for a change. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my children tremendously and miss them when they are gone, but my goal is to keep it real here :)

I wasn't always like this............... In the beginning, I didn't really know what to do when the kids weren't with me. I felt an uncomfortable and painful emptiness. I bombarded myself with busyness to avoid feeling the pain. I wanted to know what they were doing, who they were with, and all the details in between. I was jealous of others getting to spend so much time with them without me. It just didn't feel right and I didn't like it one bit. I had identified so much with my role as a mother that I struggled to be or do much else. I felt lost, scared, and sad. God and many supportive friends encouraged me to enjoy the time I had apart from the kids and that I really needed it. It sounded like a good plan, but the truth was I didn't know how. As time progressed I found myself seeking out refreshing and enjoyable things for myself to do during my time alone. It was pretty fun and peaceful when I allowed myself to really soak it in. I started feeling more revived when the kids came home and I was enjoying them more too. Of course, that Mommy Guilt always tries to sneak in somewhere in what ever we do and I started feeling guilty for really enjoying their time away. I felt like I was a "bad" mom or betraying them in some way. That is where God really got a hold of me!

He revealed that being without my kids was so uncomfortable and foreign because prior to the divorce the kids were with me 95% of the time. He comforted me and told me it was okay to be feeling the way I was. This was starting a new chapter of my life with lots of transitions, growing pains were to be expected. This time was a gift from Him so I could begin to rediscover who I am as a person, the person He dearly loves. This changed the whole playfield! I am grateful that my perspective has changed. I anticipate the weekends at Dad's without guilt and so do the kids. They get their Daddy time and I get my Shannon time. I am realizing that I am pretty good company and I deserve breaks just as everyone else does. I am getting in touch with things that I enjoy to do that I haven't done in years. I am building and growing girlfriend relationships, both new and old. I am experiencing the Lord in new and deeper ways. I am sleeping in, watching movies, reading, and doing nothing. I am working and getting involved in new projects. There is so much to gain, celebrate, and enjoy now that I have my eyes and heart open to it. Speaking of free weekends............. mine started this morning at 8:30 am, that explains why I am still up after 11:00 pm :)